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(Neuter A Kitty)

[16 May 2017|08:36pm]
I find it hard to reconcile the idea that people shouldn't be forced to change to fit into a system but instead a system should suit the needs of people as they are and appeasing the person with a useless specialism which doesn't contribute anything - they're still a parasite.

(Neuter A Kitty)

Shame [16 May 2017|08:36pm]
On Saturday I went for a run and stopped after a while because my knee hurt. I laid down on a tree trunk for a while and became very sad and wept uncontrollably. I remembered that I am the scum of the Earth. It's a bit like my mood is dictated by how aware I am of this fact at any given moment. I had temporarily forgotten this fact in the proceeding hour in a moment of remission.

(Neuter A Kitty)

Hot under the collar yet? [01 Apr 2017|04:13am]
Among the Germans, these private associations had developed into standing bodies. The military commander who had acquired fame gathered around his person a host of booty-loving young warriors pledged to loyalty to him personally, as he was to them.

References

Engels, F (1954) The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the state
        Foreign Languages Publishing House, USSR

(Neuter A Kitty)

[14 Mar 2017|12:10am]
I contribute towards the deskilling of my profession by being so unskillful

(Neuter A Kitty)

Looking at my colleagues today I realised [10 Mar 2017|12:04am]
I think I'm not good enough because I'm not like other people

(Neuter A Kitty)

[08 Mar 2017|11:32pm]
I am just waiting for you or someone else to tell me that I do in fact possess some inhuman quality of a nature I'm oblivious to.
By explaining the boundaries of the problem I am prompting you to either tell me that I'm quite right and that you'd assumed it was obvious and that I should've realised a long time ago. Alternatively you're going to tell me this quality I possess should make me oblivious to ever realising this truth but evidently I have.
But you're not going to do either. So where does that leave me?

(Neuter A Kitty)

[18 Feb 2017|02:14pm]
Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? "No," says the man in Washington, "it belongs to the poor." "No," says the man in the Vatican, "it belongs to God." "No," says the man in Moscow, "it belongs to everyone."
Andrew Ryan; 2007

(Neuter A Kitty)

[16 Feb 2017|11:42pm]
It just seems so unfair god. Other people have goodness, they have good things, they have love and tenderness, people who care about their lives. Not humiliated at every turn. Other people have things god, even the starving children in Africa, even their parents love them. Why was I so unlucky, to have my soul born into this disgusting me? This ugly face, this hair, this hair that doesn't comb, and this dumb idiotic personality? Other people stare at me god, I can tell. They are amazed at how something so stupid and idiotic can even exist! Why am I that? Please. God. I just want this one thing,
Frank D'Arbo; 2010

(Neuter A Kitty)

[07 Feb 2017|07:56pm]
But what does loving yourself actually look like? How can you afford yourself kindness, what can that look like?

(Neuter A Kitty)

[04 Feb 2017|02:34pm]
On Tuesday I woke up and realised that I am 28 years old and still filled with feelings of self-loathing this is going to be my personality for the rest of my life.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[24 Dec 2016|03:26pm]
Violence is not supposed to work in Amerika. For no one, that is, except the "omnipotent administrator." But this has yet to be proved to my satisfaction since i know that a bomb is a bomb is a bomb; it twists steel, shatters concrete and dismembers men everywhere else in the world. Why not that made in Amerika? A bullet fired from an assault rifle in the hands of a Vietnamese liberation fighter will kill a pig in Vietnam Why won't it kill a pig in the place where pigs are made?

Gentlemen, the dragon has come. Selections from the writings of George L. Jackson

(Neuter A Kitty)

[12 Dec 2016|11:57pm]
The biggest fear [...] is the thought I might be left alone with myself. Because if you want to know who knows more about me [...] than anyone? Your head.
Horrible things. The world is nicer than I am to myself and all this judgement in my head and all the dirt worst things I don't want to hear. I tell myself and I walk around rooms in circles and pace and you say okay alright and okay alright okay alright okay alright and that's me accepting my own insults. Who am I? I couldn't tell you
Source: https://youtu.be/zsekixs_do8?t=25m

(Neuter A Kitty)

[10 Dec 2016|10:46am]
The reason behaviour was so bad in my classroom during the first year is because I didn't think the students would respect me. I remember saying to a colleague then I'd realised I was a pushover in all my walks of life. I have three personality defects traits which means I'm not going to be a good teacher.
1) When I'm approaching a situation with other people I am quite ready for them tall all to reject me from the setting and be turned away.
2) When people are seemingly accepting of my company, I know they are masking their true feelings
3) There is a deeper truth than I am oblivious to and cannot access and it is the obsidious nature of how I am different

(Neuter A Kitty)

[10 Dec 2016|10:45am]
One of those teachers whose not v. good, no work-life balance, often go home crying but only succeeds by ploughing too many hours

(Neuter A Kitty)

[06 Dec 2016|10:20pm]
The terrible awful truth about school is that they don't teach you how to be in the world if you a massive loser. A few strategies of how to exist as the lowest form of life without bothering everyone else would've been appreciated.
I realise now that when someone speaks about (defends?) my teaching by implying that students or a student has learnt something because of me and I say 'they learnt it despite me' I am echoing what Gordon would always say. The students learn despite the teacher.
The ringing in my ears no longer just a insane fantasy of mine and the lyrics from that Nine Inch Nails song "just like the ringing in my ears" but a symptom of adrenaline?
Today I learned what a panic attack is and that I have them. Before I didn't know what one was and was convinced I didn't have them.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[28 Apr 2016|05:39pm]
I am fast realising that my introductory journey into comprehensive school teaching was far from normal. 

Students have done all manner of 'personal' (they're not personal) attacks on me and plagued by those feelings of 'why would anyone care' never really took sought the assistance of my colleagues. 
Stealing my timers, putting mayonnaise on my seat and putting pieces of paper into my cup (repeatedly) spring to mind immediately. I feel embarrassed to share these events.

I often felt totally overwhelmed with the courses I was teaching, I recall some weeks leaving in tears every day. This job is hard, but all the harder because I'm convinced myself that I intensely disliked my those around me and on some level they want me to suffer. Because it feels like justice - these things highlight my shortcomings - classroom control, lack of confidence, inability to maintain confrontation - and so it is only right that they make me suffer in my working life.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[23 Apr 2016|01:34pm]
Thnks fr th MmrsCollapse )

(Neuter A Kitty)

Why I'm a bad teacher [06 Apr 2016|02:41am]
Off the cuff here.
Look, it's like this. Students need to feel like they can respect their teacher if they are going to have confidence in their ability to learn from them. That is an unfortunate truth. There are some students who will try and push the boundaries in a ritualistic way to gather the proof they need that they can respect the teacher ie that they are able to keep those boundaries established and unmoved. That's all well and good. But those boundaries include holding your ground when someone is rude to you. In order to do this you must first be able to know and recognise when someone is being rude. When a student is rude to their teacher and the teacher doesn't hold the ground then some learners will lose confidence in the teaching and learning.
So what happens when the teacher doesn't know the boundaries of rudeness - feeling of self worth overrides the situation.

(Neuter A Kitty)

The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles [20 Sep 2015|01:51pm]
The Principal of the ThingCollapse )

References

Titan Publishing Group (2008) The Simpsons Comics Presents The Best of The Simpsons no 47
        Titan Publishing Group, UK

(Neuter A Kitty)

[21 Aug 2015|12:48pm]
Cheyenne Mountain sits on the eastern slope of Colorado's Front Range, rising steeply from the prairie and overlooking the city of Colorado Springs. From a distance, the mountain appears beautiful and serene, dotted with rocky outcroppings, scrub oak, and ponderosa pine. It looks like the backdrop of an old Hollywood western, just another gorgeous Rocky Mountain vista. And yet Cheyenne Mountain is hardly pristine. One of the nation's most important military installations lies deep within it, housing units of the North American Aerospace Command, and the United States Space Command. During the mid-1950s, high-level officials at the Pentagon worried that America's air defenses had become vulnerable to sabotage and attack. Cheyenne Mountain was chosen as the site for a top-secret, underground combat operations center. The mountain was hollowed out, and fifteen buildings, most them three stories high, were erected amid a maze of tunnels and passageways extending for miles. The four-and-a-half-acre underground complex was designed to survive a direct hit by an atomic bomb. Now officially called the Cheyenne Mountain Air Force Station, the facility is entered through steel blast doors that three feet thick and weigh twenty-five tonnes each; they automatically swing shut in less than twenty seconds. The base is closed to the public, and a heavily armed quick response team guards against intruders. Pressurized air within the complex prevents contamination by radioactive fallout and biological weapons. The buildings are mounted on gigantic steel springs to rude out an earthquake or the blast wave of a thermonuclear strike. The hallways and staircases are painted slate gray, the ceilings are low, and there are combination locks on many of the doors. A narrow escape tunnel, entered through a metal hath, twists and turns its way out the mountain through solid rock. The place feels like the set of an early James Bond Movie, with men in Jumpsuits driving little electric vans from one brightly lit cave to another.
        Fifteen hundred people work inside the mountain maintaining the facility and collecting information from a worldwide network of radars, spy satellites, ground-based sensors, airplanes and blimps. The Cheyenne Mountain Operations Center tracks every manmade object that enters North American airspace or that orbits the earth. It is the heart of the nation's early warning system. It can detect the firing of a long-range missile, anywhere in the world, before that missile has left the launch pad.
        The futuristic military base inside a mountain has the capability to be self-sustaining for at least one month. Its generators can produce enough electricity to power a city the size of Tampa, Florida. Its underground reservoirs hold millions of gallons of water; workers sometimes transverse them in rowboats. The complex has its own underground fitness center, a medical clinic, a dentist's office, a barbershop, a chapel, and a cafeteria. When the men and women stationed at Cheyenne Mountain get tired of the food in the cafeteria, they often somebody over the Burger King at Fort Carson, a nearby army base. Or they call Domino's.
Almost every night, a Domino's deliveryman winds his way up the lovely Cheyenne Mountain Road, past the ominous DEADLY FORCE AUTHORIZED signs, past the security checkpoint at the entrance of the base, driving slowly towards the heavily guarded North Portal, tucked behind chain link and barbed wire. Near the spot where the road heads straight into the mountainside, the delivery man drops off his pizzas and collects his tip. And should Armageddon come, should a foreign enemy someday shower the United States with nuclear warheads, laying waste to the whole continent, entombed within Cheyenne Mountain, along with the high-tech marvels, the pale blue jumpsuits, comic books, and bibles, future archaeologists may fin other clues to the nature of out civilization - Big King wrappers, hardened crusts of Cheesy Bread, Barbeque Wing bones, and the red, white, and blue of a Domino's pizza box.

References

Schlosser, E (2002) 'Introduction', in Schlosser, E. Fast Food Nation. UK: Penguin Books, pp. 1-2

(Neuter A Kitty)

[06 Aug 2015|10:56am]
Woke up feeling emotional. Remembered that I'm Human After All. 03/8/2015

But isn't that the point, that the reason I so often am not emotional is that my head has terrible thoughts running through it. Oh Christ.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[05 Aug 2015|12:17pm]
I mean what exactly happened to me? I became boring and I have no-one to blame but myself. I keep alluding to a time when I was able to look at myself without a sense of shame but then I remember such a time doesn't exist. Mine truly has been a life wasted, but it's definately not too late to change. I mean, when did I stop eating supermarket waste?

"There's someone in my head but it's not me."
(Waters Brain Damage)

"I was me, but now he's gone."
(Hetfield, Ulrich, Burton and Hammett Fade to Black)

While we're at it

"Now the music divides us into tribes"
(Neufeld, Parry, Gara, Butler, Butler, Chassagne & Kingsbury Suburban War)

(Neuter A Kitty)

[03 Aug 2015|09:07am]
Woke up feeling emotional. Remembered that I'm Human After All.

(Neuter A Kitty)

Speechless [29 Jul 2015|11:47pm]
I can't believe what you said to me
Last night we were alone
You threw your hands up
Baby you gave up, you gave up

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Bette Davis glossy eyes
In your tight jeans with your long hair
And your cigarette stained lies

Could we fix you if you broke?
And is your punch line just a joke?

I'll never talk again
Oh girl you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again,
Oh girl you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

I can't believe how you slurred at me
With your half wired broken jaw
You popped my heart seams
On my bubble dreams, bubble dreams

I can't believe how you looked at me
With your Johnnie Walker eyes
He's gonna get you and after she's through
There's gonna be no love left to rye

And I know that it's complicated
But I'm a loser in love
So baby raise a glass to mend
All the broken hearts
Of all my wrecked up friends

I'll never talk again
Oh girl you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

And I'll never love again,
Oh friend you've left me speechless
You've left me speechless, so speechless

How?
Haaaa-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?
Wow

Haaaa-oooo-wow?
H-ooow?
Wow

And after all the drinks and bars that we've been to
Would you give it all up?
Could I give it all up for you?

And after all the girls and the boys that we've been through
Would you give it all up?
Could you give it all up?

If I promise girl to you
That I'll never talk again
And I'll never love again
I'll never write a song
Won't even sing along

I'll never love again
So speechless
You left me speechless, so speechless
Why you so speechless, so speechless?

Will you ever talk again?
Oh girl, why you so speechless?
You've left me speechless, so speechless

Some men may follow me
But you choose "death and company"
Why you so speechless? Oh oh oh

(Neuter A Kitty)

Bang Bang [29 Jul 2015|11:43pm]
I was five and she was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
She wore black and I wore white
She would always win the fight

Bang bang, she shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
When I grew up, I called her mine
Shee would always laugh and say
Remember when we used to play?

Bang bang, I shot you down
Bang bang, you hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, I used to shoot you down.

Music played, and people sang
Just for me, the church bells rang.

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And 'til this day, sometimes I cry
She didn't even say goodbye
She didn't take the time to lie.

Bang bang, she shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down...

(Neuter A Kitty)

[29 Jul 2015|07:12pm]
Here's to every human being who was too unattractive to form a sexual relationship without commitment.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[22 Jul 2015|12:23pm]
It’s not all bad taste though – oh by no means – another class war supporting working girl with a flat in Paddington has as a punter an aristocratic Scottish lord (no I couldn’t get his name out her – very ethical they were) Who liked to be abused while he was whipped. ‘You rich fucking scumbag!’ He always gave her a big tip. ‘Sounds like you really mean it’ he used to say. She donated the fees to Class War and if the Scottish lord had ever looked under her bed he’d have discovered the Class War banners she was sewing in the dead time between punters ready for October 23rd.
        A rich brew was Class War. Funny as fuck. (Bone 2006; 133)

We’d made a banner out of one of sex worker Kate’s semen stained sheets, a truly offensive weapon – ‘Behold your future executioners.’ (Bone 2006; 157)
[…]Aleks saw some positive things in Class War. He was however a wary critique of Sean Mason’s ‘working-classism’ – that is Sean’s belief that anything working class was intrinsically good. This wasn’t just used to dismiss any objections to out-of-order behaviour as ‘middle class’ but glorified what was in fact some of the worst aspects of working-class culture. (Bone 2006; 150)

Dave Douglas gave his analysis of the miners’ strike and its potential for genuine change and prospects for victory. He said Class War was the only paper that has been well received in the coalfields. That the rest of the leftie paper sellers were regarded as parasitic scum who’d rather sell papers than get stuck into the cops. He praised CW’s attempts to develop links between strikes and e Second Front strategy. The idea that the best way we could help the striking miners was not to tail end the picketing and demonstrations but to ferment unrest in the inner cities. We had encouraging reports from Bristol or more trouble in the St Paul’s area simmering away. If riots erupted in the cities then the cops would be pulled away from the mining areas giving the strike a better chance of success. In view of the fast emerging miners’ hit squads and increasing levels of violence in the strike we decided to pursue such a strategy in the next few months. Significant outbreaks in a couple of towns could stretch police manpower and morale to breaking point.
The most significant discussions – and most heated – came up under the sexual politics debate. The main thurst of her argument was that: (1) Everyone was bi-sexual (2) Coupledom and monogamy was shit (3) Prostitution was the way forward for working class and CW women (4) All social workers should be shot (5) Middle class feminism was a wank and sisterhood was a middle class illusion (6) Everyone should go to Stonehenge and not fucking Glastonbury (7) Pornography was a good thing.
        Items (1) and (2) were accepted good basis for autonomous sexual politics. There were significant for and against views on pornography which were reflected in for and against articles in the paper. Class War didn’t aim to have ‘positions’ on everything and debate was encourages and diversity of views well tolerated. The pornography debate was dominated in the main by Zeno Evil’s contribution from Exeter on how he used to wank off to him mum’s corset catalogues. Not the kind of debate you’d get at other anarchist conferences I suspected, but one men of a certain age might have some empathy with!
        However, Steve Sutton seized the opportunity of the bi-sexuality debate to amplify his rather unique position on ‘compulsory bi-sexuality’, on how some comrades would have to be ‘forced to be free’. I can remember feeling distinctly awkward at this stage. Steve’s line was this: ‘People were too conditioned by repressive influences to acknowledge their bi-sexual nature and even if they did acknowledge it they were too inhibited and repressed to act upon it.’
        In other words to have a genuine revolutionary sexual politics you had to be actively bisexual. If you weren’t sexually active in this way they your comrades who were would have to give you some assistance to achieve true sexual emancipation. This seemed only to apply to heterosexual men though since Steve Sutton apparently shared interested in girls and didn’t appear to be suggesting that he should be forcibly fucked by one. I’m sure a lot of comrades will be pleasantly surprised that CW should have devoted so much of its annual conference to a discussion on whether compulsory bisexuality should be a pre-requisite for joining CW. In fact, for those who thought we were all numbingly macho sexist pigfuckers (no, pigfucking wasn’t discussed), I can point out that both our first two conferences were dominated by radical discussions on sexual politics. As I squirmed uneasily in my seat with my hands grasped defensively over my groin, I was wondering if this compulsory deflowering might even happen then and there that very afternoon in Caxton Hall. Who but a wet liberal could object to such gratification?
        Fuck knows what Dave Douglas was thinking. It all smacked of some anarcho-maoist collective discussion in the early 70s interlinked with a Brain Rix farce. Meanwhile, out there was a miners’ strike raging while we contemplated out belly buttons and below. (Bone 2006; 189-191)

We have no demands to make of you, there are no concessions you can make to get rid of us. (Bone 2006; 202)

So as the strike enters the winter months with the possibility of power cuts, we put forward these as yet rough suggestions to genuine revolutionaries and anarchists who aren’t of the wally variety!
[…]
Planning deliberate spectacular mini-riots as soon as the power cuts arrive. Or, failing that, later afternoon darkness. The aim being to spark off trouble in the major urban areas, thus drawing police out of the mining areas.
[…]
Thanks to the Electricity Board publicising where blackouts occur, we could assemble in a certain area at a pre-arranged time. Any sign of abnormal police presence would mean postponement.
[…]
        There is no alternative as far as we can see. It’s all right to sloganize about setting up factory committees or community councils and call for a general strike. As these don’t seem to be materialising it all remains a comfortable abstraction. (Bone 2006; 206-207)

Similarly, while the SWPers were eager to support the dignity of the labour, the right to work, the miners as noble aristocrats of labour, the miners we met were just like us: totally pissed off with work, Thatcher and the poverty of everyday life. Yorkshire miners talked to use about flooding the fucking pits, about how they never wanted to go back to work. They were having a much more fun time during the strike – alcoholically, sexually and joyfully – than when they were working. I was at a miners’ rally in Islington Town Hall addressed by Arthur Scargill. He was preceded by a passionate speech by a miner’s wife: ‘My father died of silicosis, his brother of pneumoconiosis, my husband was disabled in a pit accident, my brother has white finer – but I’ll fight for that future for my children and children’s children. Tumultuous applause from the Islington class tourists of the left. We looked across at our comrades from the Fitzwilliam pits sitting across the hall. They grinned at us, pulling their fingers across their throats in a cut throat manner – rather die than suffer that shit again. Imagine how cheated and disgusted the Islington lefties would have been if one of the Fitzwilliam boys had stood up and replied ‘fuck that for a lark’.
(Bone 2006; 216-218)

References

Bone, I (2006) 'Let Us Destroy The Avenues', in Bone, I. Bash The Rich. UK: Tangent Books, pp. 118-133
Bone, I (2006) 'Autonomania', in Bone, I. Bash The Rich. UK: Tangent Books, pp. 150-164
Bone, I (2006) 'Class War Conference 2', in Bone, I. Bash The Rich. UK: Tangent Books, pp. 188-191
Bone, I (2006) 'Kensington Bash The Rich March', in Bone, I. Bash The Rich. UK: Tangent Books, pp. 202-133
Bone, I (2006) 'Thatcher', in Bone, I. Bash The Rich. UK: Tangent Books, pp. 212-219

(Neuter A Kitty)

[21 Jul 2015|05:12pm]
I was a client of yours for five years between 2001 and 2006. I was hoping book some of your time for a one-off session where I could reflect on the time we spent working together – I am currently undergoing a course of counseling and I think that some perspective on that period of time would be useful for me. I appreciate that this request might be unorthodox and I would respect a decision to not see me. As a teacher during the summer holidays, I am very available over the next six weeks. I would be very grateful if you could let me know if you are interested and when you might have room in your schedule.

(Neuter A Kitty)

The Beano had prior knowledge of the Chris Evans Top Gear takeover [12 Jul 2015|10:38pm]
From Mail on Sunday promotional issue of The BeanoCollapse )

References

DC Thomson (2014) The Beano, promotional copy dated April 6th 2014
        D.C. Thomson & Co., UK

(Neuter A Kitty)

[09 Jul 2015|07:37pm]
Tuesday with the Cooperative
http://martina-dalton.livejournal.com/126182.html

(Neuter A Kitty)

[21 May 2015|12:03am]
Went to the GP yesterday and wept and wept. Keeping a log of how I feel until our next meeting. Remember being so sad could be barely audible through the croaking - surprised even me. Reminds me of Anna trying to get me to learn the numbers from 1-100 in French for homework. task seemed insurmountable. Think this has coloured my attitude towards learning languages and even memory ever since.
The feeling that language would never be fore me when Ben, in another French group, told me his class had learnt the numbers 1-100 in French in an hour lesson.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[10 May 2015|09:43am]
I remember being in middle school, most likely year 7 or 8. It's the end of the school year and the whole year group is taken into the hall for games - people in class groups you know. I remember at the end us all sitting in lines for our class groups. Thinking at the time that this was slightly too childish for our year group. Freda saying to me that the whole ceremony was just for my benefit. The whole simpleton who doesn't realise they're a simpleton situation - it's absolutely plagued me. Oscar has said it's not possible in my case because I am a teacher and in charge of children - but then why am I so bloody bad at it then? I'm afraid his words of reassurance are meaningless because I'm no good at what I do which makes the situation all the more plausible.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[08 May 2015|08:08pm]
My therapist said that the enormous effort to control?/conceal?/manage? my emotions in the way I do must require a lot of effort and it wouldn't be at all suprising if it interfered with my sleeping. After last night's expressive episode I woke up so refreshed.

Charlotte is so critical of a friend of her's boyfriend who cries often. This is the person I've become.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[07 May 2015|11:32pm]
I'm worried that if my lesson planning is scrutinised you'll realise my incompetence and fire me straight away.
∙My lessons are undifferentiated
∙Far too much teacher talk
Ultimately reflects a fear about the appropriateness of my course.
As my colleague, with he best name ever, said "each subject has it's down pedagogy". I take solace in what another colleague said "The only reason you shouldn't be here is if you don't want to be." But it relates to something my mentor said where she said that dye to my starting position I had a further way to go than other new teachers which implies she didn't entirely see the value of my course.
I mean, I spent 3½ hours planning a one hour lesson tonight. Gordon's sharp criticism of my uncle working slowly and taking his work home with him rings in my ears. Charlotte will soon realise she's shacked up with a buffoon. I remember being in Bellerbys College and saying how I wanted to work at a state school and dedicate all of my energies to it. Maybe I really am the master of my own destiny.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[06 May 2015|10:40pm]
Yesterday a student asked me how I was, I almost spoke but then instead pointed out that he was trying to catch me out. That's how it really is, if they really knew how I was it'd all stop working so it must be kept to myself at all costs. I'm getting worried about of crying myself to sleep, it does get tiresome. Even on the therapist's couch, in the safest environment where speaking your mind can only yield positive results, I could not speak my heart. But that's the whole bloody problem it? There's really nothing wrong with me except I'm not good at anything I put my mind to. I've really nothing to complain about so I can't fathom why I have the nerve to make such a scene about everything. Charlotte describe the symptoms of behaving in a disconnected manner and how this can be evidence of some sort of early trauma and she asked if it rang familiar to me. I could never admit that it all did, but I am forever reading about and identifying with symptoms of trauma because I'm a right narcissist?

(Neuter A Kitty)

[11 Mar 2015|09:08pm]
And of course one of these days the government will, rightfully, make a law forbidding not-quite persons like me from being teachers, then what will I do?


"Riker, William T., do you concur?"
"Yes! Absolutely! I do indeed concur! Whole-heartedly!"
[...]
"A simple 'yes' would have sufficed, Number One."

Characters Picard, Riker and the Computer from Where Silence Has Lease written by Jack B. Sowards

(Neuter A Kitty)

[09 Mar 2015|08:54pm]
Is this what a nervous breakdown feels like?

After coming in from Friday night I scrawled a message to myself "YOU WILL COME INTO YOUR OWN" and put it at the foot of my bed where I can see it when I wake up. Though totally useless I am, at least, hopeful.

(Neuter A Kitty)

Oh god, it is ON [07 Mar 2015|11:55am]
http://www.theguardian.com/media/greenslade/2015/mar/05/my-year-ripping-off-the-web-for-the-daily-mail-by-ex-employee?CMP=share_btn_tw
http://martina-dalton.livejournal.com/120877.html

(Neuter A Kitty)

[24 Jan 2015|11:05am]
For about 5 years between the ages of 13 - 18 I saw this pyschoanalyst and one of the things she said to me was that I rejected all the wisdom that came before me and this had to change. If I saw her again I would remind her of this and tell her that this rejection of inherited values was an asset that I did not judge to be unuseful. That's not to say I reject something because it's an inherited value I just don't necessarily accept them. When I was growing up myself and Peter Efstathiou (a very googleable name) decided that we'd do away with bought birthday presents as they would be less good than the money spent on them and to do away with cards as they were a total waste of time. I remember having a £5 note ready to give to him on his Birthday (which happens to be one day after mine) and Anna was horrified. Having said that I've kept almost every card which folks have given me since.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[08 Jan 2015|10:27pm]
During the training with Mrs Spring, being asked to think of an occasion where you've been happy to demonstrate the effect of emotions on resilience and strength. This assumed that everyone has been happy at some point. This reinforces specific modes of being in the world and excludes those who do not fit in with it. It perpetuates privilege.

In discussions about sexuality it is often described that individuals should be able to choose their own sexual identity and this is an important element of self-identity. This assumes that the participates have the autonomy to make choices about their sexuality. This reinforces specific values about behaviour and excludes those who cannot make such choices eg because they are fundamentally unattractive. It perpetuates privilege.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[26 Dec 2014|07:39pm]
I've begun to experience a new kind of crying where it's so hard my face gets pins and needles. In order to document this development I am going to try and catalogue the occasions on which it happens.
20th Sep 2014 - Charlotte asking me to recount what she'd said in Lithuania about my emotional state hurting the people around me
26th Dec 2014 - Boxing day when my cousin asked about me having children

(Neuter A Kitty)

At Seventeen [06 Dec 2014|07:17pm]
I learned the truth at seventeen
That love was meant for beauty kings
And high school boys with clear skinned smiles
Who married young and then retired
The valentines I never knew
The Friday night charades of youth
Were spent on one more beautiful
At seventeen I learned the truth...

And those of us with ravaged faces
Lacking in the social graces
Desperately remained at home
Inventing lovers on the phone
Who called to say "come dance with me"
And murmured vague obscenities
It isn't all it seems at seventeen...

A brown eyed boy in hand me downs
Whose name I never could pronounce
Said: "Pity please the ones who serve
They only get what they deserve"
The rich relationed hometown king
Marries into what he needs
With a guarantee of company
And haven for the elderly...

So remember those who win the game
Lose the love they sought to gain
In debitures of quality and dubious integrity
Their small-town eyes will gape at you
In dull surprise when payment due
Exceeds accounts received at seventeen...

To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball
It was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling boys like me...

We all play the game, and when we dare
We cheat ourselves at solitaire
Inventing lovers on the phone
Repenting other lives unknown
That call and say: "Come on, dance with me"
And murmur vague obscenities
At ugly boys like me, at seventeen...

(Neuter A Kitty)

BUSTED. They're onto me. [05 Dec 2014|09:08pm]
"The hack is thought to be carried out by those allied with the North Korean regime, unhappy with the country's portrayal in the film." (Ashley Collman, David Mccormack and Jill Reilly; 2014)
(The Daily Mail 5th December 2014)

(Neuter A Kitty)

Lard of the Dance [19 Nov 2014|07:55pm]
Today I used the phrase "I need a volunteer for a thankless task."

(Neuter A Kitty)

[19 Nov 2014|07:50pm]
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2834789/Two-patients-died-given-kidney-transplants-infected-parasitic-worm.html

"My lifestyle determines my death style."
(Metallica Frantic)

(1 Minute to Midnight | Neuter A Kitty)

[12 Nov 2014|08:16pm]
I'm just so bad at everything.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[11 Nov 2014|11:16pm]
No wonder I am no good at anything, when I am constantly reliving the mistakes of my life. Like that time I cycled into a neighbour on Victoria road, my parents were so disappointed in me.

(Neuter A Kitty)

[20 Oct 2014|10:33pm]
On Friday night I met the only other person I've ever known to self-identify as a nihilist

(Neuter A Kitty)

[18 Sep 2014|08:58pm]

(Neuter A Kitty)

[06 Sep 2014|09:34am]
https://www.dropbox.com/s/ojka939pzoxfq1t/I%20was%20told%20I%27m%20like%20this%20because%20of%20early%20trauma.mp4?dl=0

"I was told I'm like this because of early trauma. I disconnected. A beneficial side effect I suppose."
I hear you.

References

Utopia (2013) Channel 4, 12 February.

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